More crumpets?
by Aristotle Freud
Summary: Spike has a tea party with some stuffed animals, and Angel comes over to play mermaids. FOR MORE FUN go to www.angelfire.com/weird2/thwackage
1. solo tea party

DISCLAIMER: I don't own but I wish I did

SUMMARY: The Scoobies catch Spike having a tea party

            Buffy walked quickly back to the house.  She had expected many things of Spike, but not this, never this.  She needed reinforcements.  This was not something she was prepared to handle alone… besides, it was just too good to pass up.

            "Spike's what?" Dawn asked, disbelieving.

            "Having a tea party," Buffy confirmed.  "He's got these little stuffed animals sitting in chairs, and he keeps talking to them and pouring them fake tea."

            The scoobies all trooped off to see the sight of the Big Bad playing Let's Pretend with a stuffed koala bear.

            They stood, shocked into silence, listening to Spike's performance.

            "Would you like some more crumpets?" Spike asked the stuffed penguin to his right.

            "Why thank you, Spike," he replied for the penguin, using a really high pitched voice.  "I would adore some crumpets.  Thank you so much for your studly attention."

            "How about you, Mr. Koala?" Spike asked.

            "Why thank you my good man, I do believe a crumpet sounds just smashing."  Spike handed a pretend crumpet to the Koala.

            "Will you say some poetry for us, Master Spike?  Please, it always makes me feel so enlightened," he said in his penguin voice.

            Spike cleared his throat.  "Oh beautiful daffodils and butterfly wings, powder puffs and wonderful things, nothing at all even a bit sad, when eating some tea with the original Big Bad."

            "Wow Spike, you're so cool," Spike said in his koala voice.  

            "Why thank you, Percy Penguin," Spike replied.  "What do you think, Kammie Koala?"

            "I also think you're cool, Spike, and tough and such an accomplished gentleman.  Why, if I was the slayer, I'd sleep with you.  I rightly would."  Spike's voice got a little higher pitched.

            The Scooby gang left silently.  They were going to need a video camera for this.

PLEASE REVIEW      


	2. playing house

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, I just mess with them

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Back from exile (banned for a week), here's the requested next installment of "More Crumpets."  Please review if you read it, as it makes me feel good to know that people are reading my stuff.

SUMMARY: When the Scoobies return, Spike has progressed from tea party to playing house.

More Crumpets: Chapter Two

            Xander insisted on holding the video camera.  It was only right, he claimed, that the one person who had been on the receiving end of most of Spike's "whelp" comments be the one to catch his moment of shame on video.  Unfortunately, by the time they returned to the crypt, Spike was no longer engaging in a tea party.

            The vampire had an apron tied around his waist and was talking to the stuffed animals in a slightly effeminate voice.

            "Now, Percy," he said.  "What has Momma Spike told you about fighting with your sister?"  The Scoobies exchanged incredulous looks.  Momma Spike?  Xander started recording.

            "Sorry Spike," Percy said.  "You are such a pillar of home-makery goodness, a right family man, and I feel ashamed by your proper scolding.  I just was trying to tell Kammie that I don't understand why the slayer doesn't see what a fine man you are."

            "Why thank you, Percy," Spike replied.  "Now be a good baby and watch your sister while I fix supper."

            "Momma Spike!" Spike said in his high pitched Koala voice.  

            "Yes Kammie?" he replied, wiping imaginary grease from his hands onto his apron and bending down to talk to the stuffed Koala bear.  Buffy and Dawn laughed so hard that the pressure to laugh silently forced them to the ground.

            "Why doesn't Buffy want to be part of our family?"  Spike made the Koala sound particularly sad.

            "I don't know, pet," Spike replied.  "Now who wants cookies?"

            "I do," Anya said.  Xander slapped one hand over her mouth while still holding the video camera with the other.

            Spike looked around suspiciously but settled back down into his pretend world.

            "Oh we do love your cookies, Momma Spike!" the penguin said.  Spike smiled at him benevolently.

            "Of course you do," he replied.  "Everyone loves the Big Bad's cookies."

TBC (possibly)… review if you want more!


	3. princess

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, I just mess with them

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I am a member of the Fruitcake Alliance and authorized my fellow member, Sophocles Avogadro, to adapt my storylines in the Charmed-verse, so don't worry about story stealing.  Here at the FA, we believe in community and fruitcakiness…hehehehe.  I'm thinking of expanding to an Angel fic with either Angelous or Connor (or possibly both) having a tea party, but I may let another member of the FA write it instead.  To join the FA, email Fruitcake Headquarters at fruitcakehq@yahoo.com, to receive our special insane newsletter and privileges regarding our fruitcake plots.

More Crumpets?  Chapter Three

Summary: Spike begins playing the Princess game with Kammie Koala and Percy Penguin.

            "Xander," Anya whispered angrily as the smell of cookies drifted under her nose, "put down the magic recording box and let me go get some cookies."

            "It's called a video camera, An," Xander replied, "and I don't want to miss out on whatever 'Momma Spike' does next."  Buffy and Dawn finally got a hold of themselves and stood up, somewhat more composed.

            Spike put the cookies on a plate, wiped his hands on his apron, and carefully took it off.  "Who wants to play the Princess game?" he asked.

            "Me, me, me!" he said in a high pitched voice for the Koala.

            "I do too," he said for the penguin.  "Spike, you're the best at playing the princess game.  If I was the slayer _I would want to be your princess."_

            "Why thank you, Percy," Spike replied.  Spike stood up really straight and threw his head back.

            "I am a pretty Princess," he said cockily, his accent becoming slightly more pronounced.  

Xander almost swallowed his tongue.  Did Spike just say that?

            "Oh, you are a pretty Princess," Spike said to himself in his Koala bear voice.  "A pretty, pretty Princess.  I just love your hair.  How do you get it so very pure and white, Princess Spike?"

            "Well, Kammie Koala," Spike replied, "I use magical peroxide that makes my hair the right amounts of shiny and blonde.  Oh, I am a _pretty Princess."  Spike dug around in a sack he had sitting next to the stove and came out with a hot pink tiara, which he promptly placed on his head._

            "You are so cool, Princess Spike," Spike made Percy the Penguin say.  "You should be a slayer magnet with your extreme degree of coolness and Big Badness, and you make such a _pretty Princess."_

            Even Xander had to admit that Spike made a very pretty Princess.

            "All hail Princess Spike," Spike chorused for the stuffed animals.  He made them bow down to him.  "The most wonderful vampire ever."

TBC(if there's enough interest, so please review)… up next, makeovers, cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers, dress up, a dance recital, and lots of other fun stuff.


	4. makeovers

DISCLAIMER: I own my own insanity and the general fic idea (licensed to FA members only, to join the Alliance email FruitcakeHQ@yahoo.com.  

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry it's been so long… I've been taking a break, but I'm back now, and ready for some quality make-overs, mermaids, slumber parties with Angelus and all kinds of good things.  Oh, and if you like funny stuff, check out the Fruitcake Alliance homepage at ted cracking up at Spike's next words.

            "You don't need that slayer, Princess Spike," the vamp made the Koala say in an even higher pitched voice.  "She doesn't appreciate you for the bea-u-ti-ful Princess/manly man you are!"

            "You know, I think you're right, Kammie Koala," Spike said thoughtfully.  "You know what I think would cheer us all up?"

            "What?" Spike made them both ask, one at a time.

            "Makeovers," Spike said.  He ran over to the side of the crypt and opened up a trap door.  From amid sparkly purple feather boas and Power Puff Girl paraphernalia, Spike took out a hot pink caboodle, with the words 'Spikey's Makeup' written on the side in white paint pen.

            "Oh boy.  I bet this eyeshadow would bring out the color of your eyes," the penguin commented.

            Spike gave the room a very humble look.  "Well," he said, "I am an expert on makeovers.  They don't make you the winner of the Undead Beauty Pageant for nothing.  I killed them in the swimsuit competition."

            "Of course you did!" the stuffed animals chorused.

            "You go first," Spike said to the penguin.  He took out some purple eyeliner and messily applied it the stuffed animal's face.  

            After both stuffed animals were sufficiently decked out in hideously bright makeup, Spike finally took his turn.  Unfortunately for Xander, he turned his face away from the camera as he judiciously applied the makeup to his face.

            "Darn it," Xander said.  "First I have to deal with this crappy crypt lighting, and now when he's finally putting on the makeup, he turns away from the camera."

            "Cameras can do many interesting things," Anya commented suggestively.

            "A world of ew," Dawn said.

            Buffy shushed her as Spike turned around.  All of the Scoobies lost their breath looking at the sight before them.

            Spike had bright blue eyeshadow applied up to his eyebrows, and bubblegum colored lipstick was messily applied to his normally red lips.  He'd added some color to his cheeks.

            "What stunning cheek bones you have, oh wonderful Spike," Spike said in the high-pitched voice he used for the koala.

            "Why thank you, Kammie Koala," he said, "I do pride myself on my chiseled features."

            Spike took something else out of the caboodle, and all of the Scoobies leaned forward in anticipation.

            He stuck the fluffy pink bow in his hair, adjusting the tiara so that he could wear them both.  Spike struck a pose, tilting his hips to the left and throwing his hands in the air.

            "Ta-da!" he announced.

            "Oh Spike, I did not think it was possible, but you're an even prettier princess than before," Spike made the penguin say.

            Spike looked thoughtful for a moment.  "You know," he said, "I do believe I am.  Now who wants to play mermaids?"

            "You make the very best Arielle," the koala said.  Spike absolutely preened.

            "You always get to be Arielle," a voice complained from near the sewer entrance to the crypt.

            "Angel," Spike said, "what can I say?  Something about you just says 'Flounder' to me."

            Angel brooded for a moment and then saw the makeup.  "Makeup?!  Yay."

            "Oh Bloody Poof," Spike made the Koala say, "you are not half the Princess Momma Spike is."

            Angel took a stuffed cat out of his Care Bears backpack.  "I don't know," he made the cat say in a squeaky voice, "I think Angel is a very fetching princess."

            In his hiding spot, Xander Harris fell to his knees, thanking the powers of the Universe for sending him the miracle he was watching.

TBC… if you REVIEW… coming up, Angelus makes an appearance, and Principal Wood throws a hissy fit when he finds out that Spike didn't invite him.   


	5. mermaids

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them, I just effeminate them, and yes, I can use "effeminate" as a verb if I want to.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know it's been forever since I've updated, but I write serious fic under another name, and I've been a bit busy with some of those, plus I've had finals recently, but who really cares about the final I have tomorrow anyway?

So, here's an update, and for a picture of Spike, tiara, stuffed animals, and all, check out angelfire dot com slash weird2 slash thwackage (can't type it in as a website because it won't let me upload then, but you can figure it out, people).  Anyway, go to the section entitled "non-THWACK fruitcake alliance stories."  

And if you enjoy this, join the fruitcake alliance.  They have some pretty crazy challenges and really funny newsletters.  Email fruitcakehq@yahoo.com to join.

More Crumpets?: Chapter Five-ish

            Xander got up off of his knees and made sure the camera was focused.  

Tiara: Five dollars.

Stuffed animals: fifteen dollars.

A videotape of Angel and Spike prancing around without shirts on wearing those seashell bras: priceless.

            "Your legs don't look like fins," Angel said, brooding.  He adjusted his lavender seashell bra, blushing modestly as he did so.

            Spike stared back at Angel and then down at his own well-muscled legs.  He pushed them closer together, and lying down on the floor, began moving his legs back and forth in earnest.  He imagined himself flying through the water with the speed and grace of a fifteen year old mermaid, and he giggled girlishly.  

            "That's a little better," Angel said, messing with his shells again.

            Spike began to sing.  "I can show you the world…"

            "That's the wrong movie, Mr. Spike," Angel made his stuffed tabby cat say.  "That's Aladdin."

            Spike put a tough guy expression on his face, but chose to speak through the koala.

            "Mermaid Princess Spike knows that," Spike made the koala say, still flapping his legs in the air as if he were swimming.  "It's called creative license."

            "Princess Spike is the best Ariel ever, so vibrant and free," Spike made the penguin say.

            "Thank you Percy Penguin," Spike said, taking a moment to adjust his own hot pink seashell bra.  It matched the tiara that he was still wearing.  Angel stared covetously at the tiara.

Spike glared back at him.  "Don't even think about stealing my tiara!" he said.  "And your shells are lopsided."

Angel preened, and a huge smile spread across  a still-hidden Xander's face. After a moment, Spike's rich baritone voice filled the room, this time singing a more appropriate song.   

"Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?

Wouldn't you think my collections complete?

Wouldn't you think I'm the girl

The girl who has eveeeeeeeeeeerrrrryyyyy thing."

            Spike batted his eyelashes on the word girl and held the word 'everything' for a very long time.

            Angel joined him.

            "Look at this trove, treasures untold…"

            "No fair!" another voice said loudly.  All of the observers turned to look.  Standing in the doorway was Principal Wood.  "You guys never invite me to play, and now you're singing the song without me!"  

            "I don't think that's very nice," Principal Wood made his sock puppet have.

            Angel and Spike rolled their eyes.  Principal Wood was so lame.  He didn't even have a real stuffed animal, because no one loved him enough to give him one.

            Principal Wood cleared his throat.  "No, no, Sock-o," he said, a serious expression on his face.  "We have to be fair here."  

            Angel and Spike looked at each other, and finally, Spike said grudgingly, "Would you like to play?"

            Principal Wood clapped his hands together and squealed like a little girl.  "Indeed I would," he said.  "Just let me put on my costume!"

            Angel leaned over to Spike.  "Suddenly," he said, "I don't feel like playing mermaids anymore."

            "Bugger this," Spike said.  "Let's paint each other's toe nails and have another tea party."

            "Another tea party?" Dawn gasped, tears rolling down her cheeks from laughing so hard.  "Who would have thought?"

TBC… more to come, with guest appearances by Riley and Connor.  Review if you want me to update.

ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: Disney owns the lyrics, and Spike owns the seashell bras.  Wasn't he nice to let Angel borrow one?


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